The Art of Conversation

“Sticks and Stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me”.

This saying may have got us by when we were trying to hold back tears after a schoolyard altercation, but it’s far from being true in modern communication between adults.
The hurts we carry the longest are almost always the ones that arrived at the door of our hearts on a poisoned arrow sent by someone close to us.

Words spoken recklessly can harm like invisible daggers. When we recall the times we were hurt the most, chances are it was because we were on the receiving end of angry words and not when we incurred a physical injury.

In the past, there were rules of etiquette underpinning how we spoke to each other. They were so ingrained in us that we were guided without really knowing it. But communication has changed, and the words we speak and the means by which they are disseminated are copious. Anybody can say just about anything and get away with it. We can tweet anonymously, comment on social media, talk back on the radio, and almost anyone can self-publish a book. We express ourselves not really knowing who is listening and what impact our words might have. As listeners, we are bludgeoned by the prejudices, facts and figures that we hear and don’t often question their soundness. The art of conversation is getting lost.

Words recklessly spoken can cause a slow wearing down of communication in a relationship. It’s easy to think that everything that isn’t going right in our world must be our partner’s fault, and we let them know it. But we have to ask ourselves why is it that we are often kinder to strangers than we are to the person closest to us? People are turning more to relationship counselling with this question but also to find out how to revive the warmth-filled conversations that occurred when they first got together.

There are three main ways of communicating in a relationship that run from being hot to cold. On the hotter end is debate or argument. The tactic is to impose, convince or persuade the other and win your point. Constant bickering is a good example. In the war of words, one person has to lose. On the colder end of the scale are those ordinary discussions where we stay with safe topics that keep us in an apathetic rut of dialogue about ordinary life; like who will pick up the kids, or what Joe said at lunch. It doesn’t have the same quality as when we’re just passing on necessary information. It’s when we stick to the safer, less lively topics as a way to avoid arguing. When a conversation has gone stale, we ping back and forth between arguing and sticking to dull topics. We avoid taking the risk of showing the other person who we are.

The third way of communicating in a relationship is warmth-filled conversation. Conversation is a response to something stirring in us to meet the inwardness of another human being. Instead of a game of give and take, warmth-filled conversation becomes a movement of giving and receiving between two people. We often think it is the opposite but in a good conversation, the listener is the one who is giving, and the speaker is the one who is receiving. When we genuinely listen to someone we give our open-minded, full attention to them with no strings attached. It gives the person speaking, a safe place to take the risk to move out of him or herself to express their inner joys and sufferings. Listening is a vital aspect of communication. It is said that on average 70% of our waking hours are spent in communication with others. Of that time, 45% is spent listening. Studies have shone that most people only recall half of what they heard even when they thought they were listening carefully. Eight hours after a conversation, only 25% of what was said is remembered.

When we feel truly listened to, we will share the deepest parts of ourselves and often our hidden capacities will be revealed. When we open our mouths to speak, our words don’t just convey their conceptual meaning, but they dance a little with mood and emotion. And In a good conversation, words become secondary to shared insight and both people feel seen and understood.

In the art of conversation, there is a shift from being self-centred to being centred in the self. No longer fettered by our prejudices or the need to get our way, we become completely awake to what the other person is experiencing. Instead of competing with one another or being lulled to sleep by staying with safe topics, there is a space created for openness and trust. There is no more disillusionment; you see things as they are. A warmth-filled conversation leads us to respect for our difficulties and differences and gives us the ground from which to find a way to work with them.

Warm-filled conversation is an activity where vitality and calmness hold the same space. It leads us on the search to find what is good and true and provides vital nourishment for our relationships.

Article published in December/January issue of  50Something magazine